AP Perspectives—The View From Via Del Mirlillo: Listen!

Author’s Note: The title of this blog has been changed for an obvious reason: in early October we moved from Sechelt, B.C. to Tucson, Arizona. So now The View is from here!

We’re fundraisers. We have stories to tell. We want our donors and donor prospects to hear about how our organizations help people, improve lives, and make the world a better place. We want them to hear about our successes and plans. We want to tell them how they can be a part of these and make them happen. And we want to thank them, and re-thank them and make them feel they are a very important part of our current and future success.

There is nothing wrong with all of this. But sometimes our need to make things happen can overwhelm something else – the importance of our listening. Listening is a real skill. Sometimes while we appear to be listening we are in fact thinking of the next thing we will say – what some people call “half listening”. And, when doing this half listening, we sometimes give a response like “That’s really interesting,” or “I understand” so we can move on to our next point. But did we really hear what the other person was saying? What was underlying what the person said? What were they really feeling?

Part of my educational background is training in clinical psychology and counseling. In one of our classes each of us had to roleplay a counselor while another person played someone with problems or issues. The rest of the class sat around the two people playing their roles. I was selected to play the counselor’s role and a woman played the client. As we got into the back and forth I remember the class members around us seemed to fade away and the woman and I were entirely focused on each other. My job was to understand both what she was saying and what her real underlying feelings were. As she expressed herself, I was to reflect back to her not what she said, but what those real feelings were. It was intense – I did think she was not just role playing but was expressing some very deep emotions that she had. The time went by fast and the professor finally asked that we stop; this was followed by a class discussion and analysis of what happened.

But why all this emphasis on a person’s feelings? Isn’t it enough to just hear their words and respond with the points we want to make? Over the years in my role as a consultant, I conducted many feasibility study interviews. Yes, we had standardized questions and areas to cover. But at times I really needed to hear not just what the people were saying, but what the underlying feelings were. And the way to encourage them to talk further about these real feelings was to accurately reflect back what they were. This is not just re-stating something back to them but getting at the real core of what is there underneath everything. If a person would come across as angry about an organization, someone in it, or something it is doing or not doing, I really needed to hear more about the basis for these often strong feelings. I would not ask the obvious “Why?” question but rather say something like, “You’re deeply concerned about this and it hurts you to have to say it. Would you like to say more?” This response allows the person to expand on their feelings and concerns that are the basis for their anger. It also addresses how a donor, potential donor, or volunteer may feel about further support of the organization, and, on the other side of the coin, issues and concerns that need addressing by the organization. During the feasibility study interviews, I was often surprised by some of the underlying real feelings, both positive and negative, that otherwise were buried deep and not displayed elsewhere.

But, of course, not all the feelings that might be expressed may be negative. Often, strong positive feelings will be expressed and these too should be explored in depth. These positive feelings can let us know if people understand the value of the organization and whether or not its key messages are getting through. Do the person’s positive feelings align with your organization’s goals and purposes? Do they go beyond, “This is a wonderful organization and I love supporting it”?

So, listening and understanding the real feelings behind the words are key. It takes practice and often an intense focus to get at these feelings, but doing so will better enable you to shape your messages and encouragement of the donor or donor prospect. Beyond that, this approach can also help clarify your responses and comments in board and committee meetings. A board member, for example, might say something like, “I’m not pleased with this year’s annual campaign results.” It’s easy to get defensive and express what might have caused these results. But it’s better to explore the underlying feelings behind the board member’s concerns. So, again, learn to listen.

I hope some of the ideas above will be helpful. There are many good articles and even books on the value of really listening, understanding the underlying feelings, and learning what to do with these.